There’s a line from the song “Melt My Heart to Stone,” by Adele, says, “And I hear your words that I made up/You say my name like there could be an us/I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love.” It’s difficult to admit that the person you deeply desire doesn’t desire you. It’s never easy to accept rejection. When someone’s words and actions indicate that they are not interested, there are only two healthy choices – attempt to remain friends or move on. And remember “love less, date more.”
Q. I am a 44-year-old father of two and I want to be married. I have a female friend that I have known for almost 10 years. My friends and family are convinced that she is the one. I also believe that we would be good together. However, she has rejected my attempts to turn our friendship into a relationship. What can I do to convince her that we would be good together?
A. If this woman said that she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you, there is nothing that can be done. When we choose to listen to what you want and not what the person is saying, you will run into all kinds of emotional problems. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you? You should move on and find someone that has similar feelings and relationship goals. In your case, remaining friends with this woman is not a good option. Clearly your feelings for her will interfere with your moving on and establishing another relationship. Besides, your future mate will not likely accept your “friendship” with this woman.
Q. I am 38-years-old, recently widowed, with no children. I recently reconnected with a former lover. When we were involved years ago, he was married, and he still is. As far as I can tell, he has no plans for a divorce. This was the main reason that I married my husband. Now, that he has returned to my life, I have enjoyed having a companion again. But am I setting myself up for disappointment?
A. The short answer is “YES.” You said it yourself -- he has no plans to leave his wife. Coping with a loved one’s death is never easy. If you are having trouble managing the loss, you should seek counseling or join a support group. It’s natural to want to fill that void with someone familiar, but being with someone who is married will hurt more than it will help your already fragile state of mind.
Don’t be afraid to date again! If possible, change your routine. Place yourself in situations where you will go to new places and meet new people. Get comfortable initiating conversations with men and women. Recognize that people, places, and things that you enjoyed as a couple may not help you develop a new routine as a single. Most importantly, avoid dead-end relationships. While they may provide a temporary reprieve from your grief, they will only lead to heartache and disappointment.
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