Hit The Spot Solutions

There’s a line from the song “Melt My Heart to Stone,” by Adele, says, “And I hear your words that I made up/You say my name like there could be an us/I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love.”  It’s difficult to admit that the person you deeply desire doesn’t desire you.  It’s never easy to accept rejection.  When someone’s words and actions indicate that they are not interested, there are only two healthy choices – attempt to remain friends or move on.  And remember “love less, date more.”

Q. I am a 44-year-old father of two and I want to be married.  I have a female friend that I have known for almost 10 years.  My friends and family are convinced that she is the one. I also believe that we would be good together.  However, she has rejected my attempts to turn our friendship into a relationship.  What can I do to convince her that we would be good together?

   A. If this woman said that she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you, there is nothing that can be done.  When we choose to listen to what you want and not what the person is saying, you will run into all kinds of emotional problems.   Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you?  You should move on and find someone that has similar feelings and relationship goals.  In your case, remaining friends with this woman is not a good option.  Clearly your feelings for her will interfere with your moving on and establishing another relationship.  Besides, your future mate will not likely accept your “friendship” with this woman.

Q. I am 38-years-old, recently widowed, with no children.  I recently reconnected with a former lover.  When we were involved years ago, he was married, and he still is.  As far as I can tell, he has no plans for a divorce.  This was the main reason that I married my husband.  Now, that he has returned to my life, I have enjoyed having a companion again. But am I setting myself up for disappointment?

   A. The short answer is “YES.”  You said it yourself -- he has no plans to leave his wife.  Coping with a loved one’s death is never easy.  If you are having trouble managing the loss, you should seek counseling or join a support group.   It’s natural to want to fill that void with someone familiar, but being with someone who is married will hurt more than it will help your already fragile state of mind.

Don’t be afraid to date again!  If possible, change your routine.  Place yourself in situations where you will go to new places and meet new people.  Get comfortable initiating conversations with men and women.  Recognize that people, places, and things that you enjoyed as a couple may not help you develop a new routine as a single.  Most importantly, avoid dead-end relationships.  While they may provide a temporary reprieve from your grief, they will only lead to heartache and disappointment.

Hit The Spot Solutions

Many midlife singles want to date, but between raising children or busy careers most are convinced that they don’t have time to date.   Some singles aren’t sure how to approach dating or where to turn for help.  To make the most out of your super sexy single life, check out my expert advice and remember “love less, date more.”

Q. I have tried on-line dating with very little success, and now I am considering the assistance of a matchmaker.  Are matchmakers worth a try?

  A. It sounds to me like you are having trouble finding your dating niche; i.e. an approach that is well suited to your interest and social nature.  Are you dating for recreation or to find a mate? 

One of the main reasons I created the Dating Cocktails blog was that I felt that a lot of singles were being left out of the discussion.  Singles have varied reasons for dating, and all should be included in the conversation.  All daters should be able to carve out their own paths for happiness and find the best ways to showcase their personalities.

The main goal in using a matchmaker is to find love, possibly marriage.  They can be extremely pricey, ranging from $100 to $6,000 or more, and there are no guarantees that you will find the perfect mate.  So do your research and interview a few before you decide to use one. 

If, however, your main objective is casual dating, then forgo the matchmaker, save yourself the extra expense and try an interactive ice breaker party for singles, i.e. speed dating, lock and key parties, or join a local meet-up group.  These events range in cost from $10 to $50 and are great beginner steps when it comes to the dating process.

Q. In addition to running a successful business, I’m a single mother of 9-year-old twins and a toddler.  I just started dating again, but I’m having difficulties finding time to date when I already have an extremely full schedule?

  A. The simple answer is to closely examine your schedule for times to carve out an hour or two for dating.  Take advantage of the flexibility that comes with owning your own business.  Just as you schedule important events for your business, schedule important events for your dating life.  Abandon the misconception that dating opportunities just happen.  You have to be available for them to happen.  If it’s important to you, plan for it so that it accommodates your business and your children.  Consider non-traditional dating hours.  For example, if you work evening or weekends, you may need to look at early morning or mid-day for dating.  If you work a more traditional 9 to 5 schedule, lunch or happy-hour dates would work best for you.  Don’t be shy about calling in a favor from a relative or friend who’s willing to baby-sit or if necessary pay for childcare.

Hit The Spot Solutions

People often fixate on the wrong things when planning a date, when all that matters is that you show up to have a good time.  Often it’s the novelty of the location, the small details like opening the car door, and stimulating conversation that make for a richer experience.  To reap the benefits of the Dating Cocktails method, add a little creativity, stir in some flexibility, avoid the madness and remember “love less, date more.”

Q. About a year ago, I lost my job due to the recession.  Is there any way for me to have a social life with the few pennies I still have left in my pockets?

  A. Definitely, all you need is a few hookups and a little research!  Check out the internet and the local city paper for free events in your area.  If you are looking for cheap eats, timing is everything.

No frills dining – If Mother Nature is smiling upon you with great weather, take a drive to the farmers market, a festival, or visit a gourmet food truck. 

Concerts in The Park – You don’t have to pay top dollar to see an eclectic mix of national performers.  During the spring and summer months many cities will offer free concerts at outdoor venues.

Happy-Hour – If you desire fancy fare cheap, then visit the trendier restaurants during happy hours (usually 5pm to 7pm).   Appetizers and cocktails are usually 50% less than what you would normally pay.

Movie Screenings – Winter or spring, summer or fall, we all can enjoy the cinema.  Search the internet, call the radio stations, and look in the local papers for complimentary tickets for movie premiers.

Q. I have an extremely bad habit of talking about past relationships when I’m on a date.  I try to avoid talking about my past all together, but when the subject comes up and I hear the other person divulge personal stories, I feel obligated to share as well.  I think I say way too much because I never seem to get asked out for a second date. 

   A. You are not alone! I actually get asked this question a lot.  The best advice is to choose activities that aren’t conversation driven.  For example, if you are at a romantic dinner with low lighting and a quiet atmosphere, sometimes we feel the need to talk, and talk, and talk.  Before you even realize it, you have told the person all the dirty details that have led you to be single.   And on a first date that is definitely not appropriate!  Instead plan or suggest an activity that is interactive and busy.  For instance, many bars will hold game nights or try a pajama brunch.  Imagine rolling right out of bed and driving straight to breakfast, all the while still in your pj’s.  This comfy and deliciously themed brunch alternative is something fun that restaurants offer, you will be so busy participating in the festivities that you won’t even think about discussing the past

Hit The Spot Solutions

It’s spring again and after the harsh winter we just had, it’s definitely time for a little sunshine and casual stimulation.  If you’ve spent most of the winter hibernating, now is the time for a transition plan.  Ease into spring by reinvigorating your social life, and remember “love less, date more.”

Q. Nearly three years ago, before my 41^st birthday I met a great woman, who since has become a wonderful platonic companion.  Recently, the subject of all the sex we haven’t been having came up at dinner.  She said that she’s not asking for commitment, but would like some intimacy.  What should I do? I enjoy the relationship the way it is -- our connection is more verbal than physical.  How do I approach this situation without potentially loosing what I consider a great set-up?

   A. I sure wish I could have been there for that conversation.  My sense is that you haven’t fully explained to your friend that you’re not sexually attracted to her.  In my book Dating Cocktails: A Singles Guide for Mixing & Mingling in the Midlife I describe the twelve types of casual relationships.  Your situation is the classic “Companionship” type – at least for you.  There is a great sense of comfort in this relationship because it provides a good balance of friendship and appreciation for one another’s company; however it excludes sexual gratification.

More than likely, she already feels a certain amount of emotional “intimacy” with you and would like to add sex to the mix.  Despite her assurances, a desire on her part for a commitment will likely follow.  Tell her how much you appreciate the friendship, but that you have no plans for sex.  Explain that you enjoy her company, but you want to keep the relationship the way it is.  Avoid the temptation to soft peddle your lack of interest in sex in order to spare her feelings.  Any hedging on your part will likely leave her with false hope and merely prolong the issue instead of settling it.  I hope your friend understands and chooses to remain friends, but if she doesn’t, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that the relationship will end.

Q. I am a 38-year-old personal trainer who has been using sex as a dating substitute for the last 5 years.  Basically, I get straight to fulfilling my sexual needs, rather than establishing relationships.  I don’t require dinner or a movie, it’s been fun, but I’m ready to date again.  How do I modify my behavior in order to start dating again?

   A. The first question you should be asking yourself isn’t how to modify your behavior, but what circumstances led to your decision not to date at all for the past 5 years?  A lot of times failed or bad relationships trigger emotional or sexual conduct that we assume will fix the issue, essentially spare us pain.  More often than not, however, those emotional and sexual choices are a way of distancing ourselves from what is the true source of the problem.  If that is the case, before you begin to date you need to put closure to what led you to your current situation, or else your dating experience will be disappointing, and you will likely seek refuge in purely sexual relationships again.

Once you have achieved closure, begin your dating efforts by going to singles mixers.