It’s spring again and after the harsh winter we just had, it’s definitely time for a little sunshine and casual stimulation. If you’ve spent most of the winter hibernating, now is the time for a transition plan. Ease into spring by reinvigorating your social life, and remember “love less, date more.”
Q. Nearly three years ago, before my 41st birthday I met a great woman, who since has become a wonderful platonic companion. Recently, the subject of all the sex we haven’t been having came up at dinner. She said that she’s not asking for commitment, but would like some intimacy. What should I do? I enjoy the relationship the way it is -- our connection is more verbal than physical. How do I approach this situation without potentially loosing what I consider a great set-up?
A. I sure wish I could have been there for that conversation. My sense is that you haven’t fully explained to your friend that you’re not sexually attracted to her. In my book Dating Cocktails: A Singles Guide for Mixing & Mingling in the Midlife I describe the twelve types of casual relationships. Your situation is the classic “Companionship” type – at least for you. There is a great sense of comfort in this relationship because it provides a good balance of friendship and appreciation for one another’s company; however it excludes sexual gratification.
More than likely, she already feels a certain amount of emotional “intimacy” with you and would like to add sex to the mix. Despite her assurances, a desire on her part for a commitment will likely follow. Tell her how much you appreciate the friendship, but that you have no plans for sex. Explain that you enjoy her company, but you want to keep the relationship the way it is. Avoid the temptation to soft peddle your lack of interest in sex in order to spare her feelings. Any hedging on your part will likely leave her with false hope and merely prolong the issue instead of settling it. I hope your friend understands and chooses to remain friends, but if she doesn’t, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that the relationship will end.
Q. I am a 38-year-old personal trainer who has been using sex as a dating substitute for the last 5 years. Basically, I get straight to fulfilling my sexual needs, rather than establishing relationships. I don’t require dinner or a movie, it’s been fun, but I’m ready to date again. How do I modify my behavior in order to start dating again?
A. The first question you should be asking yourself isn’t how to modify your behavior, but what circumstances led to your decision not to date at all for the past 5 years? A lot of times failed or bad relationships trigger emotional or sexual conduct that we assume will fix the issue, essentially spare us pain. More often than not, however, those emotional and sexual choices are a way of distancing ourselves from what is the true source of the problem. If that is the case, before you begin to date you need to put closure to what led you to your current situation, or else your dating experience will be disappointing, and you will likely seek refuge in purely sexual relationships again.
Once you have achieved closure, begin your dating efforts by going to singles mixers.
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